payah

aku rasa untuk aku suka seseorang tu dah cukup susah.

tapi.

bila pikir balik.

nak bagi orang tu suka balik kat aku.

lagi berganda-ganda payah kan.

hurm.

aku tetap...

owh.sampai sudah sarikei.
siap pekena udang lagi.
masyuk beb.

lagi masyuk stewardess tadi.
comey giler senyum.
siap wish gud nite lagi.
walaupun semua orang pun dia senyum.
tapi aku rasa senyuman dia yang tertutup mata tu sangat priceless.

sekian.

:D

raya oh raya

pergh.syiok giler kot rasa bila dah sampai rumah.
walaupun flight delayed yang aku pun tak tahu berapa lama.
tengok sampai umah dah dekat pukul 3 pagi.
pagi nye mak aku cakap ada open house collegue dia.
terus hilang jetlag aku.
nak melantak punya pasal.
terus pulak gerak pergi seremban umah member bapak aku.
pakcik ni kalau cerita, memang syiok la dengar.
aku siap kena gelak dengan bini dia sebab ternganga-nganga dengar pakcik tu cerita.
padahal dia cerita pasal dia renovate umah je.
tapi, story line dia boleh buat lu gelak beb.
dah nak balik boleh pulak makcik tu hulur duit raya.
aku pikir biar betul makcik ni.
misai sama jambang aku memang lah tak shave kan.
dalam segan-segan aku nak amik.
pakcik tu boleh pulak sound.
"orang dah bagi, tak payah segan-segan. amik je."
terus aku sambar. :P


owh. lupa plak.
pakcik ni punya anak jadi pelakon suara kak ros.
cite upin ipin tu.
kira aku pergi beraya umah kak ros lah.

s.i.a.p.a.

aku rasa kali ni pilihan aku betul.

tapi tak semestinya tepat.

serius.

aku mahu jaminan.

bila dah terjamin.

janji aku tak terjebak dalam permainan ni.

tolong lah paham.

ye, aku sedang berharap.

tapi tak meletakkan harapan yang tinggi.

harapan baru yang tak pasti.

mungkin betul.

mungkin juga tepat.

jika salah, tolong kata tidak.

thanks.
u juz made my day.
yeah.
u really did.

there's no ctrl+Z in real lyfe.

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

By Stephanie Halmilton

raya 2010

malam-malam raya ni.
wa teringat dulu wa penah ckp kt mak wa.
"ma, tiap-tiap kali raya asyik ketupat, masak lodeh, kuah kacang. busan kot. pe kata, nanti kita tukar menu buat chicken chop ke, steak ke, fish n chips ke. "
bangang tak bangang la wa dulu.
mak wa senyum je.
takot makin dilayan anak dia ni, memang tak siap-siap lah masak.

sekarang baru wa sedar.
busan sangat lah kan konon dulu makan ketupat pagi raya.
esok confirm-confirm dah tak ada ketupat.
nasib wa tak raya makan capati ngan nan.
padan muka wa.

baru tau kenapa mak wa senyum je dulu.
dah tak ada ketupat, memang wa tak rasa nak raya pun.
dah nama pun setahun sekali.
bukan lah wajib pun ketupat.
tapi ada ketupat tu cukup untuk memeriahkan.
sedar-sedar esok dah abih puasa.

sejak dua tiga tahun lepas.
family wa ada trend baru pagi-pagi raya.
siap semua sembahyang raya.
salam bermaafan. kumpul duit raya dari makcik pakcik.
terus start kereta.
jalan pergi studio gambar.
ambil dua tiga shoot. baru sambung raya.
dem. tahun ni gamba wa tak ada dalam frame tu.

selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin.

reminder / remainder : kalau ade sedara-sedara wa yang kecik. wa bagi rupee je lah. :D

hari ni hari lahir mama.
aku hanya mampu wish dari bumi incredible ni.
sebelum masuk exam tadi baru mama reply.
"thanks.awak lah sorang yang wish. babah dengan adik-adik buat tak tahu je. ada propaganda kot. :p"
sekurang nya itu dah cukup buat aku senyum sebelum melangkah ke lab forensic.
yes!! aku orang 1st wish.

mama,
kadang-kadang anak ini ada tertinggi suara,
ada juga kadang-kadang memberontak,
kadang-kadang buat mama nangis,
pernah juga di kala pagi raya sedang orang lain bermaafan tapi we had a quarrel,
apa yang anak ini harap, u'll never regret that u had a son like me.
sebab anak ini tidak tahu macam mana nak balas semua jasa-jasa.

selamat hari lahir mama, semoga panjang umor, murah rezeki dan dikurniakan kesihatan.

the true side.

dalam banyak-banyak iklan.
aku rasa iklan ni yang buat aku terfikir sejenak.
it really touched me.
dah 22 tahun lebih umur ni baru nak menghayati.
fuhhh.naseb baek belum 23 tahun.
kalau tak, seems to be too late kot. :P

dulu, bagi aku iklan cuma iklan.
it comes and go.
sebab tiap-tiap tahun akan ada iklan baru.
siap tunggu lagi iklan pe yang baru keluar tahun tu.
but now, at least. i've got the message.
thanx.


reminder / remainder : tak tahu nak cakap ape lagi. cuba buat biasa-biasa sahaja.
bak kata makmi, "hang cakap dengan bapak hang macam nak bergaduh. " :P

craving...

tengah aku syiok nye mengelamun dalam jamban, aku pun terfikir.
"eyh, jumaat ni dah last day puasa."
punya lah tak sedar. tak ada perasaan nak raya pun.
kalau ikut pengalaman hidup 22 tahun lebih ni.
tiap-tiap kali dah nak dekat raya tak penah aku tak balik rumah lagi time-time macam ni.
paling lambat pun lagi seminggu nak raya.


rutin nak dekat raya ni biasa lah, kena drill tolong buat kuih raya.
nak buat macam mana. kesian pulak tengok mama sorang-sorang kat dapur lepas sahur.
kelam kabut buat kuih yang mana sempat sebelum siap-siap nak pergi sekolah mengajar pulak pagi tu.
kalau belah malam pulak, lepas tarawih tu.
memang aku dah tau lah job yang akan diberi.
walaupun tak pernah dinyatakan secara official, aku tau memang portfolio aku lah kek lapis masam manis ni.
kadang tu, yang tak tahan. sampai 6-8 buku kek satu malam.
terkincit gak la nak buat nye.
mengadap kukus tu punya lah bosan. kot tengok muka awek orait lah jugak. ye dak.


macam ni lah lebih kurang hasil dia.
tapi gambar ni aku cilok je kat sini.

sekarang ni lepas sahur, aku mengadap buku pulak.
alahai...

kek lapis masam manis

reminder / remainder : kadang-kadang tu cabaran tu mendatangkan benda yang positif kan. ye dak. :P

owh.terlupa pulak. mama aku kirim salam. dia pesan kat aku dengan kawan-kawan sekalian jawab exam tu elok-elok.

agak-agak pagi raya mama aku menangis tak aku tak balik?

terrible and trouble equal to incredible

tengah budak-budak laen semua fikir nak exam.
wa boleh pulak menyimpang sikit.
buat kira-kira macam menabung untuk masa depan.
wa kira, kalau lah separuh daripada elaun bulanan sekarang ni.
disimpan.dihimpun.dikumpul.
cukup 30 bulan, wa dah boleh dapat dah.
kalau tak silap 30 bulan tu ada la 2 tahun setengah lagi.
tu pun kalau nafsu wa kat benda-benda lain semua terkawal lah.
tak boleh beli gadget baru. tak beli barang baru.
keluar rumah pun tak. duduk rumah makan nasi kicap ikan bilis.
sengsara beb. seksa jiwa raga macam tu.

tapi tu semua baru kira-kira.
belum terlaksana.
pedih memang lah kan.
orang cakap. no pain no gain.

ni lah hasil kira-kira wa

reminder /remainder : kalau dah terlaksana kira-kira ni. senang lah wa nak balik raya. tak kisah lah, utara ke. selatan ke. timur ke. barat ke. wa redah je. sekian.

urgh

hurm.

juz woke up.

tapi bangun dengan rasa tak best.

feels that something is not right. something lost.

but cant figure it out.

dem~

i hate this kind of feeling.




reminder / remainder : aku berharap, apa yang aku cari itu tiada.

"feels like a dream yet im not asleep"

hurm. siapa tahu.

subconscious mind mungkin.

berapa jam lagi la nak sahur.

tengah sedap-sedap wa lepak atas roof top umah.
tengah baek punya layan enset.
tetiba anjing yang jaga territory simpang umah wa menyalak dengan galak nye.
wa pon pusing la. sekali ade dua mamat masok simpang.
wa syak dia bawak senapang la.
terus tunduk wa. bukan ada salah pun.
tapi dah nama tempat orang. tak kan nak buat kepala kan.
nanti tak pasal banyak tanya.
last-last duit wa gak habis kena paw.
yang wa pelik, sapa la mamat dua orang bawak senapang siap datang tu.
dah la masa tu pukul satu lebih. rumah tempe semua da lama gelap dan malap.
lepak jap dua tiga minit. terus wa balik mandi.




reminder / remainder : tetiba wa teringat cite times travellers wife. wa syak lu pun kembali ke tempat asal la. tak pe. tak salah pun. asal lu tau pe lu buat cukup. yang lain pandai-pandai la kan.

53 and counting.

selamat menyambut kemerdekaan ke-53

reminder / remainder : ucapan ikhlas dari bumi taj mahal. syiok juga dapat public holiday kat sini sebab hari merdeka. :D